A Little More of the Stuff You Can't Make Up . . .

    

 Bob died in 2015.  He had served as a United Methodist minister for over 40 years and was  remembered as one who ministered "with  overwhelming  compassion and  understanding." From 1958 when he transferred to our college and became a fraternity brother until his death, I counted him as one of my best friends. 

   As free of guile and  ill-intent as any human can be, Bob  had a unique talent for doing and/or saying stuff that was both humorous and perplexing.  I  heard my first 'Bob-ism' in 1958: "Contrary to popular opinion, God's last name is not Damn."  Asked if he intended to see the recently released movie The Ten Commandments, he replied that he had read the book.

   We who knew him still chuckle when we remember his plan to ride the train home to Charlotte. John drove him the 2 or 3 miles to the train station.  Sometime later, he was startled when Bob appeared at his dorm room.  "I was waiting to hear the conductor call 'All  Aboard'", as he explained how he had watched the train pull away from the platform.  His suitcase made it to Charlotte; he didn't.

    His first ministerial assignment was as Associate at a church in our college town. Years later many friends had gathered at his retirement home.  Among     those  present was the former Senior Minister and his demure wife. Bob told me how once in a staff meeting as he was sitting in a low rocker, he had accidentally rocked on his fingers.  "What did you say", I asked. "Oh, shucks", he answered. From across the room came her stern correction, "No, Bob. You said sh*t"."

   John asked Bob to preach at the baptismal service for his son. As John read the Scripture, Bob sat nearby, resting his chin with his arm propped on the arm of his chair.  Somehow he manage to slip and fell  to the floor right at John's feet.  Bob told me that years later, in another city, a woman approached him and  said, "I know you. You're the man who fell at the feet of our minister."

   Recently, John related a story that  I had not heard previously.  Once when  performing an infant baptism, as he took the child from the parents' arms something  went akimbo and Bob wound up baptizing the child on his bottom rather than the top of his head.

    Then there were the times he "put his foot in his mouth" while preaching but somehow maintained his composure.  He told me of the time that his point was commitment; his manuscript read "We don't need any half-hearted Christians". But that was not what  came out.  I asked  about the congregation's reaction. "I got  a couple of Amen's from the choir."  One Sunday he told those gathered "I'm  almost inclined  to call you a bunch of dumb-asses". Realizing that what he had said was not what he intended, he took a long pause, then continued, "Well, you are."  At the end of the service, a man told him, "Bob, you really told us; but you told us with a smile on your face."

   Did you know that Jerry was Mary's husband ? Neither did the congregation that heard Bob's reading  of the Christmas story as he consistently spoke of "Mary and Jerry . . ." After several repetitions of this, a woman in the choir whispered to him ,"It's Joseph". Reportedly Bob didn't miss a beat and opined that         Jerry was an ancient Hebrew name meaning Joseph.

    Most  everyone knows that Christmas floats across the various days of the week whereas Easter stays fixed on Sunday.  That little detail alluded Bob one year as he and his staff were doing advanced  planning. With total sincerity, he exclaimed to them that "Easter comes on Sunday this year !"

   These true snippets have been vouched for by my collaborator and fraternity brother, the Rev. John Davis. In no way are they told to belittle Bob. When  he realized the  absurdity of his comments, he was the first one to laugh and wonder 'where did that come from?'

    And you can't make up this stuff !

      Satchel