BIG BOYS DON'T CRY . . .

  "Big Boys Don't Cry. . ."  I heard my boyhood hero, Roy Rogers, sing it on UTube . . .so, it must be right, right?  Well, Roy and Gene and even the Duke (John Wayne) are gone now.  Wonder if it is time to forge a new, more viable, more honest definition of what it means to be a  "Man" in this time.  Someone stereotypically said that when we genderize (is that a word?)  the notion of bodies of water, women are 'babbling brooks' and men are 'dead seas'.  Well, whatever the accuracy of that  characterization, (and there are significant exceptions) the research and the evidence can  be pretty convincing that 'stuffing', not giving expression to. one's emotions can be 'dangerous to one's health.'  Yet, consciously or not, many men still 'sing' Roy's song.  Why?

   Again, stereotypes and labels abound.  "I'll look  weak."; "I will not be in control."; "I'll be called 'sissy' or worse."; "I donot know how to cry."; "I don't want my buddies to see me like that.";  "public displays of emotion are not  spectator sports." . . .on and on they parade.  Parenthetically, men donot own the monopoly on this posture but we are major stock-holders.

   I am not advocating total emotional decomposition or anything close to that. But I have seen many males treat their tears as if they are poison.  The 'language of feelings' is 'foreign language' for many.  Often as couples attempt to articulate their counseling 'goals' in my office, I hear things like "We want to learn to communicate."  To which I may reply, "Which of you does not speak English?", meaning 'it's more than arranging nouns and verbs.'  The therapist, Terrence Real in his book, How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women, traced the cultural dynamics by which young boys 'get the message' that emotions are 'bad' and then often spend the better part of their years re-discovering and reintegrating their emotions.  Consequently, he wrote, "The skills needed to tolerate strong emotions are both daunting and unfamiliar to many men." (pp. 62-63) 

   In my opinion, tears serve as 'messengers' from deep within our make-up, our 'souls'.  Our task, our opportunity, is to listen and know how to understand 'the message'.  In Koine Greek, the word that is often the translation for 'messenger' is Angelos.  (With apologies to my friend and former colleague, Roger B. , if I misspell it.)  Still, the messengers are treated as  demons instead of gifts.

    Maybe a sought for balance will be the integration of our emotions and our cognition. So, here's another song, (also that can be found on UTube). This one by Roosevelt Greir, the former NFL lineman, and 'big man'.   'Rosie' sang "it's alright to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you. . . .'  Maybe it is past time for according this song primacy over Roy's.

     Satchel