"WHO LOVES YOU, BABY?"

     Wasn't it Kojak, the television detective, who often asked, "Who loves you, baby?"  I suppose that the correct response would have been, "You do." That question and its' flip side, "Who loves me?"seem to be particularly close to the heart, mind and lips of many persons.  With Valentine's Day as a constant reminder to demonstrate one's love (and the more lavishly, the better), it's little wonder that confusion abounds as to what 'love' is all about.
      Consider: "I love ice cream"; "I love pizza"; "I love my wife (husband)"; "I love God"; "I love my house"; "I love ...".  That is a lot of freight for one small, four-letter vehicle to carry.
     So, we'll confine it to humans, specifically those in a 'significant relationship'.  A popular song from some years ago claimed that "Love is a Many Splendored Thing".  No doubt that is often the fact.  For others, love seems more a "Many Splintered Thing", inflicting wounds that bring relationship damage and dismay.  Then, "who loves you, baby?" rings hollow.  What, then, do we mean when we speak that powerful word?
     Taken alone, any of the following might be a 'splinter' of love.
An immediate response for some could be called 'Romantic' or emotional, or what someone has called 'The Tingles'.  Relationship appropriate affection can be important.
    Then, there are the words.  "I love you" spoken by an important person makes for 'good listening'.  But if that is the totality, then Eliza Doolittle (in My Fair Lady) had a legitimate complaint: "Words, words,words; I'm so sick of words! Is that all you blighters  can do?"  There is some truth in the cliche that 'actions speak louder than words'.
     An accomplished 'actor' can, however, perform the apparently loving gestures and their heart 'not be in it'.  Reading motive and intent is imprecise.
     I have another nominee: Loyalty or Durability.  It derives from a healthy, balanced Self-Respect (not the same thing as Narcissism).  For persons with a religious faith perspective, such 'Self-Love' is derivative of the belief in their innate worth given by the Creator.  Even with my faults, failures, limitations I am a 'work in progress' and hardly the ultimate judge of someone else.  With that in place, I am better able to determine what are appropriate relationship behaviors.
     Love, real love, despite  all the songs, poems, and platitudes does not come easily.  Someone has correctly observed that "love is not for the faint of heart." It sometimes requires "WORK", but that does not have to be the same as "HARD LABOR".
     Do you like to read?  A couple of titles might be helpful.  The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman has been recommended by many of my clients.  And, Dr. John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a powerful synthesis of years of research into relationship dynamics. And, even if you are neither married nor intend to be, both these books can  stimulate insight into  that  often-spoken, less-often understood word, LOVE.

     WHO LOVES YOU, BABY?

  Satchel