Seat belts as a safety feature in automobiles began, apparently, in the mid-to-late-1950's. Before then, driver and passengers alike were always at risk in the event of an accident. As naive as such may now be, that was 'just the way it was' and fortunately for us, many were spared.
Which brings me to the chair above. From the early 1940's until 1954, my dad drove two dry cleaning pick-up/delivery routes. "Number 8" was MWF and "Number 6" was TTh&abbreviatedS. Beginning at about age 8 through maybe age 13, I rode with him during summers, often on Saturdays and many school holidays. The chair was my spot right beside him. From there I imbibed many 'life lessons'. My Pay? Two dollars per week . . . plus as many soft drinks and snacks as dad thought acceptable. Fringe benefits?: Huge was being trusted with significant amounts of cash and coins for making change when collecting accounts during 'pay day' in the mill village that was a mainstay of his business. No 'big deal' was made of this responsibility but with such did he foster a sense of confidence and competence.
Much of his and mom's youth and early adulthoods were spent in this town and many relatives were still living there. Consequently, another fringe benefit was having frequent noontime meals with either my maternal grand-parents or dad's foster sister and her husband. They were the personifications of Homecooking and affection.
The panel truck's 'air conditioner' was a small oscillating fan on the dash. But there was a radio and we often sang along. And I heard many stories of relatives and friends and his and mom's lives in the early 20th century (though not nearly as much as I now wish). 'Attachments' . . . relationships, a sense of having a place, belonging . . . are vital for a sense of security and well-being in childhood development.
A common perception of psychoanalysis places huge emphasis on the Mother-Son relationship. A more balanced understanding also recognizes the importance of the Father-Son relationship, whether present or absent. In an earlier post, Wisdom was his Tool, I paid tribute to some of dad's influence and do not mean to be overly repetitious in this note.
I like the term 'surplus meaning' that denotes the added significance inherent in everyday items. A diploma viewed in one way is but a piece of paper; likewise, a marriage license, a birth certificate. A ring can be but a bit of molded metal until it becomes a wedding ring. The old chair now hangs in a storage area of our home. Its material value is very limited. . . perhaps a few coins at a salvage store. When I look at it, however, I remember the hours spent in that sawed-off straight-back'er and the influence coming from the driver seated next to me and am grateful.
Satchel
Feedback on a blog is a 'sometime thing'. A few comments to the most recent . . . "Nonsense" . . . were posted on the site and I also received several emails. These responses indicated a resonance with my expressed sentiments. I believe that many of you would have your own additions for the 'nonsense' list.
Further reflections yielded nominees for a different kind of list: 'Good sense'. In the cultural milieu in which I grew up, if something made 'good sense', it was close to 'wisdom'. Life is much too complex to attempt encapsulating into a few maxims. Rather than a 'destination', I offer some 'signposts' for the journey.
To Ask for Help when we cannot do something by and for ourselves is not an indication of Weakness but of Intelligence.
Rather counter-cultural, isn't it, with all the bravado about 'pull your own red wagon'; 'paddle your own canoe', etc., that abounds in our world. As I stressed in the last post, 'self reliance' is hardly 'self sufficiency', the latter never fully possible. There simply are some things we can not do for ourselves and to attempt such would be worse than folly. Maybe you know the saying, 'He who has himself for a doctor has a fool for a physician; He who has himself for a lawyer has a fool for an attorney; He who has himself as a therapist has a fool for a counselor.' And on it goes and it is not gender specific. It is good to have the expertise that one's occupation can provide but 'two heads are better than one' is often wisdom.
You Can't Sell from an Empty Wagon.
Peddlers who sell their wares throughout the isolated countryside are pretty much extinct. In my youth, I knew a man who enclosed a flatbed truck and called it his 'Rolling Store', selling everything from washtubs to sewing thread to food items. Luther, however, did not have an inexhaustible inventory and periodically had to return to his 'warehouse' for replenishment. Similarly, attempting to meet the demands and rigors of life without physical, emotional, and spiritual replenishment means we 'run on fumes', increasing the likelihood of exhaustion.
Old Dogs Can Learn New Tricks.
Certainly runs counter to the old saw about the non-receptivity of old dogs to new information and processes. In its stead, I believe an 'old dog' can learn something new if two circumstances hold true: i) the 'old dog' has mental acuity
and ii) he/she wants to learn the new trick. I.e., motivation.
That old people are 'set in their way' is a stereotype that while numerous examples abound is hardly universal.
Put your oxygen mask on first.
I sometime call this the 'Lesson from the Flight Attendant' . . .
"In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin air pressure, an oxygen mask will fall from an overhead compartment. . ." When asked, "When traveling with a child or a person who cannot put on their mask, whose mask do you put on first?",
perhaps a slight majority correctly choose the counter-intutitive answer: my own. This is altogether different from a narcissistic self-centeredness. Unless a person is 'sucking oxygen', they run an heightened likelihood of causing injury to themselves and the one(s) needing assistance.
The World Doesn't Revolve Around You, Son . . .
My dad was hardly a cruel man, trying to damage his son's 'self-esteem'. To the contrary, I recall many instances of his fostering a sense of worth for my brothers and me. His message was intended as a preventative for any notion of privilege or entitlement that might encroach. Dad had no tolerance for the self-centeredness portrayed in the notion of 'looking out for Number One'. While I never recall his quoting For Whom the Bell Tolls : 'send not to ask for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee', he communicated an equalitarian valuing of people because we are all in life together.
I think it was St. Paul who admonished that 'we not think more highly of ourselves than we ought'. I have noticed that quite often this gets lived out as self-denigration. Do you remember the slogan, LSMFT, once used by a tobacco company? In human terms, that can be short-hand for Low Self-Esteem Means Friction and Trouble in interpersonal relationships. Having a balanced, healthy sense of oneself within the context of human relationships seems to be a thread running throughout this 'good sense' list.
Satchel
I have found that there is often much wisdom in bumper stickers. I like "I may be getting old, but I refuse to grow up" and "Old Age is not for Sissies". But yesterday I saw one that made me (as a psychotherapist) cringe: "Too blessed to be depressed." Having sat with numerous clients struggling with clinical depression, I find the notion that depression is a choice to be worse than cruel and shaming. And I detected even a tone of self-righteousness and self-congratulations in the sentiment. Even 'persons of faith' experience variations of the 'Dark Night of the Soul'.
Yes, there are steps that one might take with the hope of decreasing the pain ( and, painful it can be). I remember an acronym that my own counselor, Vernon Wall, offered me back in the 1970's when I was skirting the edges of a funk:
MACE:
M = medication, if indicated. And, anti-depressants (unlike some psychotropic meds) do not carry the likelihood of
addiction. Moreover, since the advent of SSRI's, the efficacy of anti-depressants is significantly improved.
A= activity. Move. Not as in 'train like an Olympic athlete',
but put the body in motion, do something, even if we do not 'feel like doing it'. Or as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has it, 'you can not feel your way into new modes of behavior, but you can behave your way into new ways of feeling'. Modifications in brain physiology that follow consistent exercise and activity can improve mood.
C= counseling. Hearing oneself talk aloud with someone else often brings new, life-changing awareness and behaviors.
E= education. There is no monolithic entity called 'depression'. Rather, there is a great range of presentations.
Awareness of those variations can offer relief for many who fear 'the worst'.
As a novice writer, I am often surprised at how a post seems to take on a life and direction of its own, regardless of my original intent. Thus it is with this one. My intent was to
indicate some of the 'sayings', folk-wisdom, and cliches that I find to be 'non-sense'. The one about 'too blessed . . .' was but the most recent. Among other 'nominees', I would include these one-liners:
...BIG BOYS DON'T CRY. Instead, there often are coronaries, ulcers, violent rages, etc. Visit Rosie Greer's YouTube rendition of "It's Alright to Cry" for a healthier perspective.
...TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. The passage of time alone means only that 'the clock is ticking'. What occurs during the time is what matters.
...I DON'T GET MAD; I GET EVEN. And, thereby, increase the likelihood of fueling the fire of escalation.
...ALL 'OLD PEOPLE' ARE JUST ALIKE. There is as great a variation of interests, intelligence, activities, and mobility, etc. among the 65 and older cohort as with any other 'age bracket'. Shuffleboard and Bingo can be 'fun'; many of us have other interests. Often such comments are thin masks of someone's own fear of aging.
...YOU'LL GET OVER IT ('IT' often meaning a death or other significant losses). At best, we learn to adapt in new ways but to act as if the loss is insignificant is worse than nonsense. We will 'walk' again, but it will be with a 'limp'.
And, one last one (though there are lots more that qualify as 'nonsense'):
...I AM SELF-SUFFICIENT. To put this into 'religious' jargon, such is 'idolatry'. I prefer 'self reliant'...I can rely upon myself to seek out the things I need for life but cannot provide for myself. Frederick Buechner has a character in a novel observe: "We was cripples all of us . . .'To lend each other a hand when we're falling. . . .Perhaps that's the only work that matters in the end.' " *
Satchel
*Cited in Listening to Your Life, p. 76
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