DON'T USE THE 'KIDS'

     Have you seen the scathing obituary that has gone viral?
A woman (apparently not 'mother' , though she brought children into the world) recently died and some of the adult children said, in effect, 'Good Riddance'.  It seems that she abused them and used them for her own distorted, evil, pathological purposes until finally, several years ago,  they persuaded Nevada lawmakers to give them the right to 'divorce' her.  Since then, theirs was an estranged relationship.  (Google obituary for Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick)

     The graphic details of her abuse certainly mark her as 'extreme' and 'evil'.  But in seemingly innocuously implicit and explicit ways,  many parents communicate to their adult children "It is your responsibility to see to my emotional and physical well-being - - -regardless of what that 'duty' may do to you."  

     My clients sometimes seem surprised, no, shocked, when I maintain that children are not in this world to take care of their parents' emotional needs. . . even beginning early on.  Rabbi Ed Friedman, widely recognized as having been an insightful family systems therapist, insisted that Maturity (not necessarily tied to chronology)  is "the willingness to take responsibility for one's own emotional being and destiny." (A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix).  Often, those whom society calls 'the parents' (caregivers) turn the tables and give the message: "I am your responsibility.  See that I am never displeased with you."  That does not mean that children . . . of all ages . . . may not act in outrageous, intolerable ways.  Setting limits can be a function of maturity.  Empathy can be a good thing; but valuing empathy over personal responsibility can result in unhealthy relationships.

    If anyone owes anyone, it is the parents who owe their offspring life's needs --physical, emotional, spiritual safety and nurturance --hopefully given in love.  No child ever asked to be born.  If I were nominating misunderstood words today, high on my list would be authority, particularly parental authority with children.  One of my mantras was  (is) "Parenthood is not a popularity contest."  Authority is not synonymous with authoritarian --- though they may sometimes appear  to be the same, especially to the child.  The care relationship is a one-way street until such time as the child reaches maturity. Then, ideally, the relationship can be a mutually respectful one, not a dutiful one. Within the parameters of mutuality, there can be great diversity of opinions coupled with the willingness to act with maturity.  (see above, 'responsibility')

    In my office, I hear many stories of 'guilt trips' laid on by parents who would use their children to 'take care' of them. I cringe when I hear parents spell out the what they want from their children, coupling that with 'after all I have done for them'.  (An excellent exposition of this idea can be found in Dr. Charles Well's, Dear Old Man: Letters to Myself on Growing Old, pages 41-44)

     I once asked a client (in her 50's) if she would tolerate treatment from another adult such as she was receiving from her mother.  She gave me an incredulous look and said a firm "No".
Then why, I asked, is it tolerated from her.  "Well, she's my mother" was her answer.  "What does that mean?  How does that give her  permission to be disrespectful and demanding towards you?" was my next question.  "Well, you know, it's in the Bible to honor our parents."  Since she couched it in religious terms, I replied, "And there is a  passage that says something to the effect, 'Parents, do not provoke your children to anger.'"  With what I took as amazement, she asked, "Is that in the Bible."  "Yes. Something like that; although I may not be giving a precise quotation. Sometimes parents do things that are not particularly honorable."

   Relationships between parents and their adult children can be among the most satisfying in life . . . but  only if they are based on mutual respect and taking responsibility for one's self.

    Dr. Wells in Dear Old Man addressing  himself on this subject wrote:  "You must not expect your sons and daughter to do anything for you in your old age in repayment for what you did for them in childhood  You will doubtless need and want their help, but you can accept this help only if it springs from their love for you and their desire to live up to certain standards they set for themselves as sons and daughter.  I hope you will be able to reject any help offered as a repayment for having bred and nurtured them."  (page 44)  I like that.

    Satchel