"Bless Your Heart "

      

                        "Why do people keep saying 'Bless Your Heart' ? There is nothing wrong with my heart; I have breast cancer".  My wife's friend and colleague, Josephina, from Mexico had great difficulty understanding this multi-purpose  Southern idiom.

       Of the numerous unique expressions heard in the American South, 'BYH' likely holds the distinction of being the most versatile with multiple usages.     And, many writers have expounded upon the varying nuances inherent in those three little words.  Those offering their sentiments to Josephina likely were expressing genuine concern for her well being.  A change of tone and pacing can turn  it into an insult, polite or otherwise.             

    Two events of today reminded me of this staple of many Southerner's vocabulary. My friend, Jay, was remarking on  last blog's distinction between nice and kind and observed that sometimes nice was a veiled insult, "somewhat like Bless Your Heart."  Thirty minutes later I passed a  storefront with the above plaque (along with several other colloquialism) in the window.

   In 1960 while in seminary in Boston, my roommate, Wendell, from Pennsylvania, in time told me that for the initial two or three weeks of our acquaintance he understood little of my speech.  Being well mannered, I did not say, "well, bless your heart, I'm speaking phonetically".

    Rightly used, these are other 'translations' of the phrase:

Have you 'blessed' anyone's heart recently ?

       Satchel

                

" 'NICE' IS OVERRATED" . . .

 Others are also credited for this sentiment 

      Steve caught our attention during a Clinical Directors' case review when he ventured the opinion that 'nice' is overrated as a human behavioral motivation.  Pause.  Next: " I have never been concerned to be considered 'nice'." Another Pause . . . this one probably a bit longer. "But I am big on compassion."

     As best as I can remember the focus had been on 'Anxiety'.  I had recently completed Dr. David Burns's audio book, When Panic Attacks, in which he had commented that many sufferers of anxiety are considered 'NICE' by their contemporaries.  After I   offered that nugget to the conversation, Steve rejoined with his above noted perspectives.

   But, wait, aren't nice and compassionate (aka kind) synonymous ?!  No, actually,  they are not and a large   part of the difference has to do with motivation or why.  

   Some dictionary definitions can help make the distinction: 

  Nice . . . pleasant, agreeable, polite, following the rules of etiquette, not  being rude, the 'vanilla' of conduct. The motivation seems to be external validation, having the good opinion of other people, sometimes at the expense of one's own true nature.

  Kind = Compassionate . . .  arises from an internal sense of personal integrity that is derived from various sources.  It manifests as caring for others  not just as being polite but from an  internal nature or disposition as a person.   

   Kindness does not mean 'namby pamby' or 'wishy washy'.  Kind people can be assertive and set appropriate limits, a kind of 'toughness'.  For example, sometimes one of the 'kindest' response to someone may be 'no'.  "But you aren't being nice in not letting me have my way!" 

Response : "Not trying to be nice , but kind to you and to others who might suffer from your actions." 

   If the opposite of 'kind' is 'cruel' this aphorism applies not only to individuals "but a nation does not have to be cruel to  be tough."   

    [Disclaimer for transparency : as I was doing word searches prior to writing this, I experienced a confirmation of 'there is nothing new under the sun.'  I found an article by Dr. Marcia Sirota from Huff Post, September 6, 2011, in which she goes  into greater detail about the distinctions between Nice and Kind.  If so inclined, you can locate this by searching the internet.]

  Henry James gave this advice to his nephew: "Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind."

      Satchel