When our parents were young

                               My dad (1911-1992) when about two or three years old



         "If I am in therapy do I have to bash and talk trash about my parents ?",  the new client asked.

     Such is the stereotype that some harbor about what happens in counseling sessions.  I hear the question often although the words may differ.  And I respond that while some parents treated their children with willful cruelty or negligence, I believe that most parents had endeavored to do otherwise. Sometimes, however, the child's needs (not always the same as wants) had not been met and scars remained unhealed.

  Preferring to speak little about fault or blame, I focus instead on responsibility and accountability. And by those criteria, not all parents pass the grade, perhaps because, well, they  had parents who did not.  Some traits and behaviors are part of one's DNA as surely as physical distinctions. Identifying and healing those can break the cycle of hurts and abuse.  Such for me is the strength and appeal of Family Systems Therapy.  Individuals are not locked into a rigid repetition of the past.

   Knowing what life was like for our parents when they were young reduces the wish to blame and enlarges our capacity for greater self-understanding and responsibility for our own desitiny. Sometimes I invite clients to imagine their parents and grand-parents as children and  youth ---  not a  particularly easy concept.  Vast gaps of information exist, at least that is my experience.  All this came to mind again within the past  few weeks when cousin Sharon began  posting (from her mother's collection)  pictures of my youthful parents which I had never before seen.  These along with several that I already had sometimes raise as many questions as answers about their own youth.

             Sharon sent this undated photo of my parents
             Likely before their first child was born in 1938

Such as the above photo of mom and dad . . . we have no idea of when, where, or why it was taken. But, gosh, they were young. 


And, there are various kinspersons pictured from earlier days:

    Maternal grand-parents early in their marriage. I remember a lot about them. Wish I knew more

Aunt  Rachel (standing) and Cousin Clarice  

Both now great-grandmothers

                               Uncle Morris on his mother's lap and his brother Cecil
                                       Morris died in 1963 and Cecil in 1962
                                 Morris was the father of my cousin, Kenneth

                  Maternal great-grand-parents.  Mom spoke of him occasionally.
All I know is that he survived Civil War battles and walked home to NC  from Va

                        Paternal grand-father.  He arrived in the US around 1890.
                                           Picture taken before dad's birth in 1911


And, I believe all these relatives were good people and this has not been a veiled 'bashing'.  I have a better understanding of myself and a greater appreciation for their influence for good in my life.  If yours are still living, talk to  parents and grand-parents about their early years. You will likely learn a lot !  (Maybe even about yourself !)

      Satchel