Sunday, January 28, 2018

MALE FRIENDSHIPS



     THE  FRIENDLESS AMERICAN MALE . . . the title of a book somewhere on my shelves.  If you are a male, how many true friends . . . not the same as acquaintances . . . do you have?  O.K., so what is the definition ? 'Someone whom if you call at 2 a.m. , they will come.' ? 'Someone with whom  a lot of verbals are unnecessary in order to 'understand' each other.' ?  Much has been written about friendships in general and about how male friendships differ greatly from those of women.  The stereotype seems to be that men are more  proficient and  comfortable talking about topics external to ourselves: "Who won the ballgame?"; "Think it's going to snow?"; "What is the best car for gas mileage?"; etc.  And, as a male and as a psychotherapist who listens to many men struggle with articulating their 'inner worlds', I know that there is validity in the  stereotype.

    In his 1992 book, Wrestling With Love: How Men Struggle With Intimacy, psychologist Samuel Osherson noted that "research on men's lives reveals  that male  friendships are often noteworthy more for their absence than their presence.  (p. 301) He related some of the 'reasons' men put up walls against real contact with other men. (302 ff) 

   For now, I have been reflecting on my own history of friendships, which ones continue, which ones were important at a time and now for whatever 'reason' seem less so.  (At this point I think it important to distinguish between 'friendly' which one on-line dictionary terms being "kind and pleasant" and 'friendship' which denotes a non-sexual bond of affection and trust.) The 'realities' of career, family, geographic distance, deaths, as well as emerging differences in interests have contributed to the diminishment of once strong attachments.  From public school days, I remember few friendships that have endured. On those rare occasions when we are together, there is a friendliness, a warmth, a happiness to be seeing each other again, delight in sharing memories (at least most of them).  More relationships have endured from college, seminary and graduate school years. Naming names can raise sensitivity matters . . . like, why was so and so not included? etc.  So, without intention of excluding anyone whom I cherish, I want to note some recent reunions with men with whom I can also speak of soul matters. 

   As an undergraduate at a small liberal arts college, I joined a national fraternity, while still being 'friendly' with guys in other 'Greek' groups.  In the 58 years or so since graduation, I still have contact with several of my 'brothers'.  Even so, because of a confluence of various circumstances,  a half dozen of us maintained 'friendships'. . . Charles, John, Bill, Bob, Don, and myself.

     Bob died a couple of years ago.  A United Methodist Minister and genuine 'good man', he personified kindness, support, confidentiality, and many other virtues that make FRIENDSHIP possible.  Shortly before Bob's  death, Charles and I visited him and there was great delight in each other's company as we reminisced but also spoke of DEEP Matters, including what was acknowledged to be our last mortal time together.  In great understatement, his obituary noted that "Bob will be dearly missed."
With Bob (seated) and Charles, Fall 2014

      This past Fall, we other five decided to spend time together.
Don (on left), Me, John and Bill
December 2017
     Before that could occur, however, Charles experienced a stroke that for now has reduced his activities.   Professionally, we have had a great diversity of careers. After years in Journalism, City Management and then Congressional lobbyist, Charles ('Charlie' as an undergraduate) began a distinguished career as a writer.  (See his website, www.charlesfprice.com). Don went directly into the military after college and is a Retired Navy Officer; John was a United Methodist Minister and District Superintendent; Bill enjoyed forty years as Director of Greensboro (NC) Historical Museum. After several years as History Professor and then United Methodist Minister, I have been a full time Psychotherapist since 2001.  During 2018, we each will have our 80th birthday.  

   I met J.R. in September 1960 when we were students at Boston University School of Theology.  Over that time, we have been often together and supported each other through many of life's currents and cross-currents.   Many years ago, at his wedding rehearsal dinner, I offered this as part of a toast: "J.R. and I are brothers; we just have different parents."  My dad died in 1992; J.R. and Bev drove round trip in one day from Charleston, WV to N.C. for the funeral.  A graduate of the distinguished Blanton-Peale Institute, he recently retired after a long career as a psychotherapist.  While we sometimes  diverge widely in our views, I know that we can (and do) speak truthfully and vulnerably together.  When we speak by phone or visit in person, there is no awkward 'now where were we ?'; rather, a 'now as we were saying'.

With J.R. near Wytheville, Va.   Fall 2017

    These men (and others) have enriched my life in countless ways and I like to think that I have provided a measure of friendship to them as well.

     Satchel












   

1 comment:

  1. You will always be a cherished friend!.......Bill

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