MALE FRIENDSHIPS

     THE  FRIENDLESS AMERICAN MALE . . . the title of a book somewhere on my shelves.  If you are a male, how many true friends . . . not the same as acquaintances . . . do you have?  O.K., so what is the definition ? 'Someone whom if you call at 2 a.m. , they will come.' ? 'Someone with whom  a lot of verbals are unnecessary in order to 'understand' each other.' ?  Much has been written about friendships in general and about how male friendships differ greatly from those of women.  The stereotype seems to be that men are more  proficient and  comfortable talking about topics external to ourselves: "Who won the ballgame?"; "Think it's going to snow?"; "What is the best car for gas mileage?"; etc.  And, as a male and as a psychotherapist who listens to many men struggle with articulating their 'inner worlds', I know that there is validity in the  stereotype.

    In his 1992 book, Wrestling With Love: How Men Struggle With Intimacy, psychologist Samuel Osherson noted that "research on men's lives reveals  that male  friendships are often noteworthy more for their absence than their presence.  (p. 301) He related some of the 'reasons' men put up walls against real contact with other men. (302 ff) 

   For now, I have been reflecting on my own history of friendships, which ones continue, which ones were important at a time and now for whatever 'reason' seem less so.  (At this point I think it important to distinguish between 'friendly' which one on-line dictionary terms being "kind and pleasant" and 'friendship' which denotes a non-sexual bond of affection and trust.) The 'realities' of career, family, geographic distance, deaths, as well as emerging differences in interests have contributed to the diminishment of once strong attachments.  From public school days, I remember few friendships that have endured. On those rare occasions when we are together, there is a friendliness, a warmth, a happiness to be seeing each other again, delight in sharing memories (at least most of them).  More relationships have endured from college, seminary and graduate school years. Naming names can raise sensitivity matters . . . like, why was so and so not included? etc.  So, without intention of excluding anyone whom I cherish, I want to note some recent reunions with men with whom I can also speak of soul matters. 

   As an undergraduate at a small liberal arts college, I joined a national fraternity, while still being 'friendly' with guys in other 'Greek' groups.  In the 58 years or so since graduation, I still have contact with several of my 'brothers'.  Even so, because of a confluence of various circumstances,  a half dozen of us maintained 'friendships'. . . Charles, John, Bill, Bob, Don, and myself.

     Bob died a couple of years ago.  A United Methodist Minister and genuine 'good man', he personified kindness, support, confidentiality, and many other virtues that make FRIENDSHIP possible.  Shortly before Bob's  death, Charles and I visited him and there was great delight in each other's company as we reminisced but also spoke of DEEP Matters, including what was acknowledged to be our last mortal time together.  In great understatement, his obituary noted that "Bob will be dearly missed."

With Bob (seated) and Charles, Fall 2014

      This past Fall, we other five decided to spend time together.

Don (on left), Me, John and Bill
December 2017

     Before that could occur, however, Charles experienced a stroke that for now has reduced his activities.   Professionally, we have had a great diversity of careers. After years in Journalism, City Management and then Congressional lobbyist, Charles ('Charlie' as an undergraduate) began a distinguished career as a writer.  (See his website, www.charlesfprice.com). Don went directly into the military after college and is a Retired Navy Officer; John was a United Methodist Minister and District Superintendent; Bill enjoyed forty years as Director of Greensboro (NC) Historical Museum. After several years as History Professor and then United Methodist Minister, I have been a full time Psychotherapist since 2001.  During 2018, we each will have our 80th birthday.  

   I met J.R. in September 1960 when we were students at Boston University School of Theology.  Over that time, we have been often together and supported each other through many of life's currents and cross-currents.   Many years ago, at his wedding rehearsal dinner, I offered this as part of a toast: "J.R. and I are brothers; we just have different parents."  My dad died in 1992; J.R. and Bev drove round trip in one day from Charleston, WV to N.C. for the funeral.  A graduate of the distinguished Blanton-Peale Institute, he recently retired after a long career as a psychotherapist.  While we sometimes  diverge widely in our views, I know that we can (and do) speak truthfully and vulnerably together.  When we speak by phone or visit in person, there is no awkward 'now where were we ?'; rather, a 'now as we were saying'.

With J.R. near Wytheville, Va.   Fall 2017

    These men (and others) have enriched my life in countless ways and I like to think that I have provided a measure of friendship to them as well.

     Satchel












   

THE 'SUNNY SOUTH' ? ! . . .

    Last week when we had only a 'dusting' of snow along with single digit temps, I had a chance brief conversation with an 'old timer' in the parking lot of a grocery store.
I made a 'throwaway' comment about the weather and he bemoaned, "I moved heah from New Hamp'sha to get away from this. I thought I was moving to the  'sunny South'."  I wonder what he is thinking of today's 'event' which began about 8 a.m. today and is still going strong now at almost 4 p.m.

   A few minutes ago, I stepped onto our deck and measured 6 3/4 "  on the railing.  According to the Weather Channel, we can expect the storm to last until 9 tonight.  Now, before some of you in more frigid zones 'tut-tut' , remember, you know what to expect in Winter.  Last week-end the temps here were in the mid-70's.  This abrupt change constitutes 'cruelty'.  Even as this system approached, meteorologists were advising that there was no need to stock up on the traditional 'milk and bread' because this would be minor and of short duration. A snowfall in excess of 1-2" is a major event for us. Now the tv newspeople have a grand old time showing road conditions and institutional closings.

   Knowing that a storm was nearing, I cancelled my Wednesday client appointments and scurried home last night  (Tuesday). Only as the system moved closer did we begin to hear hints of the potential depths. Consequently, I am safely in my home with my wife, our dog and  ample coffee, hot chocolate, and meals rather than being alone in our office building had I opted to challenge the forecast and remain there.

    There is something almost magical about the quiet that accompanies a snowfall. Of necessity, life assumes a slower tempo. Naps become a 'basic' rather than 'luxury' and I may soon follow the dog's example. Apparently, there are a few brave souls  driving due either to obligation or fool-heartedness.  I am not among their number. Southerners' inability to navigate on snow and ice has become the stuff of considerable jest.  Several years ago, I did a 360* on a snow covered rural road without injury either to me or the automobile.  I said, " 'Thanks', and Lesson learned!"  

   Our small town is  scheduled for mandatory water restrictions beginning this week-end.  I wonder what effect (if any) the eventual melting will have on that circumstance. Drought conditions typically occur during Summer's furnace. 

    Friends and relatives are posting photographs of children playing in the snow . . . making 'snow persons', sledding, etc.  My wife and I decided at lunch (there really was no need for discussion; it was unanimous) that Tommy's sled will remain under the house despite a perfect sledding hill out front.  Long gone are the college times when we 'borrowed'  trays from the school cafeteria for sledding down the perfect campus hill. March, 1960, remains in the lore of those of us 'of a certain age' when it SNOWED on each of the first three Wednesdays of the month.

  But for those of us now of disinclination to venture out, there is consolation in knowing that the season of the Jonquils is just around the calendar's turning . . . even in New Hamp'sha .

Noon on January 17,  2018

3:30 pm on January 17,  2018



Stay warm, dry and safe !

Satchel

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful . . . "

     This is the view from our front porch a few years ago.
I am unable to post a picture of the current conditions for the very good reason that I am not at home, unable to get there because of road conditions between there and my office.  Here ...but 65 miles distance... there has been no precipitation and other than frigid cold, it's beautiful outside.

    Compared to the impact of the blizzard that struck the Atlantic coastline and the Northeast in the past  couple of days,  accumulations have been minor.  Yet there has been enough to cause school cancellations, allow kidders (of all ages) to  go sledding, build snow persons, as well as adversely affect traffic.  Unfortunately, there have been fatalities attributable to road conditions.

    The temperature at home this morning was 1* F,   colder than the 8* in my brother's New Hampshire hometown.  Our high today is forecast  for upper   20's. . . "Bread and milk" conditions.  However, this one came in so fast and unexpectedly that grocery store runs did not occur.  Someone opined that folks will just have to forego their 'milk sandwiches'.  Perhaps you have seen the photographs of the storm's impact and now the plummeting temps.  A friend posted an app counting down the days, hours and minutes until Spring's arrival.

   It's five days too late for 'New Year's Resolutions', but here's mine anyway: "I will not complain about Summer's heat !"

    Satchel