THE PAST AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE

  
Have you said or heard anything like . . .

  "That's in the past; what does that have to do with now?";  "Get over it, suck it up; it happened long ago."; "I'm not interested in the dead past."  Or, by contrast, "Those who forget the past are doomed to relive it." (George Santayana); . . . Perhaps you have your own quote about the past and how you interpret its place in your life.

    [An acknowledgement of the bases of my biases: by formal training, I am both an academic historian (PhD, UNC-CH in 1977) and a clinically trained psychotherapist.  In both of these vocations, I have grown in an appreciation of how 'the past' influences, informs,  intrudes into the present.  Part of my therapy training has been in EMDR (a modality for treating trauma of various types and severity).  A fundamental premise of EMDR is that 'the past is alive in the present'.]

      ***I believe that there are at least two approaches to this PAST business and making the two synonymous probably confuses matters.  

    Often in these posts, I have stressed my belief that while an occasional visit to the past can be pleasant, 'living in the past' is unhealthy.  This is Nostalgia in the extreme.  'Uncle George' Mowry, my dissertation director, told our research seminar that the  word's origin connoted a 'homesickness of the soul'.  We might call it a longing for 'the good old days'.  
A few years ago, I saw a newspaper story with the headline: The Good Old Days: They were Awful".  "Retrospective Falsification" someone else has labeled the nostalgia. Not surprisingly, its appeal is strongest when the present is filled with anxiety and uncertainty and there is a great desire for Escape.  By contrast, for many persons the past is 'where' horrible things happened and 'who wants to return there !?!'  So, the common thread in this posture toward the past is "escape" . . . either escape the fearsome present by returning to 'the good old days' or escape the god-awful past by denying its importance.

     When my therapy clients tell me (in various ways) that they are uninterested in 'the dead past', I concur . . . up to a point.  And, here is how I have a  different  'use' of the past.
'How do events, relationships, choices, etc. from another time
still impact us, whether we can immediately identify them or not and how can we use this awareness for improving the Present and Future?' Several years ago, a sentence from a book that I was reading impacted me so much that each year after I purchase a new appointment calendar, I inscribe this on the front page: "The emotional processes that basically steer our lives will influence us, whether we recognize them or not." [Haverick,  The Therapist's Own Family]  (And, as you perhaps noted, I continue to use a 'paper calendar' rather than utilize  one of my electronic devices.)

      This particular post has been in embryonic form for a few days.  Then, in this morning's newspaper, came a powerful and poignant narrative illustrating "my point".  The author has given her permission to cite and quote from her story. For her account, see Greensboro (NC) News and Record, May 10, 2014, "Motherless daughter finds her calling" by Leigh Olsen. The article is more accessible by an internet search for "Personal Adds: Motherless daughter finds her calling" by her name. 

     When Ms Olsen was  11 years old, her mom died at age 36.
Her early reactions were to avoid overt grieving in order to 'protect' other family members.  "What I never realized, until recently," she acknowledged, "was that because of my need to protect others from experiencing pain, I kept myself from beginning to heal."  When she found the book, Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman, her ex-husband criticized her for "living with too many ghosts" and she put the book away.  In time, her new husband learned of the book and enthusiastically encouraged her to read it.  "Finally," she wrote, "the healing process had begun"  and that included correspondence with and meeting Ms Edelman.  She has subsequently begun a Motherless Daughters support group in her area as a way to help other women in their healing.  More details can be found on her blog, http://momlesslife.wordpress.com . 

    While I did not ask her opinion on the title, I would not be surprised if Ms Olsen might concur that the past ain't what it used to be. (with apologies to any and all for whom the slang, ain't, ain't good grammar.)

    Satchel

My gratitude to Ms Olsen for allowing me to include portions of her article and to my wife who initially spotted the article and called it to my attention.