Tuesday, May 21, 2013
BIG BOYS DON'T CRY . . .
"Big Boys Don't Cry. . ." I heard my boyhood hero, Roy Rogers, sing it on UTube . . .so, it must be right, right? Well, Roy and Gene and even the Duke (John Wayne) are gone now. Wonder if it is time to forge a new, more viable, more honest definition of what it means to be a "Man" in this time. Someone stereotypically said that when we genderize (is that a word?) the notion of bodies of water, women are 'babbling brooks' and men are 'dead seas'. Well, whatever the accuracy of that characterization, (and there are significant exceptions) the research and the evidence can be pretty convincing that 'stuffing', not giving expression to. one's emotions can be 'dangerous to one's health.' Yet, consciously or not, many men still 'sing' Roy's song. Why?
Again, stereotypes and labels abound. "I'll look weak."; "I will not be in control."; "I'll be called 'sissy' or worse."; "I donot know how to cry."; "I don't want my buddies to see me like that."; "public displays of emotion are not spectator sports." . . .on and on they parade. Parenthetically, men donot own the monopoly on this posture but we are major stock-holders.
I am not advocating total emotional decomposition or anything close to that. But I have seen many males treat their tears as if they are poison. The 'language of feelings' is 'foreign language' for many. Often as couples attempt to articulate their counseling 'goals' in my office, I hear things like "We want to learn to communicate." To which I may reply, "Which of you does not speak English?", meaning 'it's more than arranging nouns and verbs.' The therapist, Terrence Real in his book, How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women, traced the cultural dynamics by which young boys 'get the message' that emotions are 'bad' and then often spend the better part of their years re-discovering and reintegrating their emotions. Consequently, he wrote, "The skills needed to tolerate strong emotions are both daunting and unfamiliar to many men." (pp. 62-63)
In my opinion, tears serve as 'messengers' from deep within our make-up, our 'souls'. Our task, our opportunity, is to listen and know how to understand 'the message'. In Koine Greek, the word that is often the translation for 'messenger' is Angelos. (With apologies to my friend and former colleague, Roger B. , if I misspell it.) Still, the messengers are treated as demons instead of gifts.
Maybe a sought for balance will be the integration of our emotions and our cognition. So, here's another song, (also that can be found on UTube). This one by Roosevelt Greir, the former NFL lineman, and 'big man'. 'Rosie' sang "it's alright to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you. . . .' Maybe it is past time for according this song primacy over Roy's.
Satchel
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Here's a scene from Mister Roger's Neighborhood:
ReplyDeleteNurse Miller: [having just injured his finger on his new lathe, Corny is inside his factory, crying] Corn, are you alright? It's Nurse Miller.
Cornflake S. Pecially: I'm fine, Nurse Miller.
Nurse Miller: I thought I heard you crying.
Cornflake S. Pecially: I am NOT crying!
Nurse Miller: Well it's alright if you're crying, Corny. I was just worried about you. Corny? I see you have your new lathe. Wasn't it what you expected? Were you disappointed in it? Oh, won't you come out, Corny?
Cornflake S. Pecially: [Stifled crying] I can't. I'm... I'm busy. I'm a man who manufactures.
Nurse Miller: I know you're a man, Corny, a grown up man and I'm very proud of what you can manufacture and I'd like to see what your new lathe can do.
Cornflake S. Pecially: I'm too busy to use the lathe right now. I may never have time to use it.
Nurse Miller: [reads instructions] "Here are your instructions to your new lathe. Be very careful not to put your fingers in the side of the lathe. It can pinch them very badly and it will hurt enough to make a grown man cry."
Cornflake S. Pecially: [emerges from factory] Would you read that last part again? About the pinching?
Nurse Miller: Certainly, Corny. "It can pinch them very badly and it will hurt enough to make a grown man cry".
Cornflake S. Pecially: Oh. Next time you see X the Owl, tell him I know it's okay. For people to cry when they're hurt.
Nurse Miller: I'll tell him.