A Little More of the Stuff You Can't Make Up . . .

    

 Bob died in 2015.  He had served as a United Methodist minister for over 40 years and was  remembered as one who ministered "with  overwhelming  compassion and  understanding." From 1958 when he transferred to our college and became a fraternity brother until his death, I counted him as one of my best friends. 

   As free of guile and  ill-intent as any human can be, Bob  had a unique talent for doing and/or saying stuff that was both humorous and perplexing.  I  heard my first 'Bob-ism' in 1958: "Contrary to popular opinion, God's last name is not Damn."  Asked if he intended to see the recently released movie The Ten Commandments, he replied that he had read the book.

   We who knew him still chuckle when we remember his plan to ride the train home to Charlotte. John drove him the 2 or 3 miles to the train station.  Sometime later, he was startled when Bob appeared at his dorm room.  "I was waiting to hear the conductor call 'All  Aboard'", as he explained how he had watched the train pull away from the platform.  His suitcase made it to Charlotte; he didn't.

    His first ministerial assignment was as Associate at a church in our college town. Years later many friends had gathered at his retirement home.  Among     those  present was the former Senior Minister and his demure wife. Bob told me how once in a staff meeting as he was sitting in a low rocker, he had accidentally rocked on his fingers.  "What did you say", I asked. "Oh, shucks", he answered. From across the room came her stern correction, "No, Bob. You said sh*t"."

   John asked Bob to preach at the baptismal service for his son. As John read the Scripture, Bob sat nearby, resting his chin with his arm propped on the arm of his chair.  Somehow he manage to slip and fell  to the floor right at John's feet.  Bob told me that years later, in another city, a woman approached him and  said, "I know you. You're the man who fell at the feet of our minister."

   Recently, John related a story that  I had not heard previously.  Once when  performing an infant baptism, as he took the child from the parents' arms something  went akimbo and Bob wound up baptizing the child on his bottom rather than the top of his head.

    Then there were the times he "put his foot in his mouth" while preaching but somehow maintained his composure.  He told me of the time that his point was commitment; his manuscript read "We don't need any half-hearted Christians". But that was not what  came out.  I asked  about the congregation's reaction. "I got  a couple of Amen's from the choir."  One Sunday he told those gathered "I'm  almost inclined  to call you a bunch of dumb-asses". Realizing that what he had said was not what he intended, he took a long pause, then continued, "Well, you are."  At the end of the service, a man told him, "Bob, you really told us; but you told us with a smile on your face."

   Did you know that Jerry was Mary's husband ? Neither did the congregation that heard Bob's reading  of the Christmas story as he consistently spoke of "Mary and Jerry . . ." After several repetitions of this, a woman in the choir whispered to him ,"It's Joseph". Reportedly Bob didn't miss a beat and opined that         Jerry was an ancient Hebrew name meaning Joseph.

    Most  everyone knows that Christmas floats across the various days of the week whereas Easter stays fixed on Sunday.  That little detail alluded Bob one year as he and his staff were doing advanced  planning. With total sincerity, he exclaimed to them that "Easter comes on Sunday this year !"

   These true snippets have been vouched for by my collaborator and fraternity brother, the Rev. John Davis. In no way are they told to belittle Bob. When  he realized the  absurdity of his comments, he was the first one to laugh and wonder 'where did that come from?'

    And you can't make up this stuff !

      Satchel

          

    

   

You can't make up stuff like this . . .

 

    "Truth is stranger than fiction" might be another way to express it.  Or, "I find it hard to believe that (s)he said such a thing !". Or, "I can't  believe what I just saw (or heard) ! "  The following really happened and were unplanned and unscripted.  You can't just 'make it up'!!

   The lake behind Chestnut Hill restaurant in North Myrtle Beach has been 'home' for alligators for many years.  One cold December day, a lady sitting at the window beside an alligator-less lake asked her waiter if the absent alligators had "already migrated South".  To his credit, the waiter maintained his composure. For us, at the next table, with great effort we  suppressed our impulse to laugh.  Later, we conjured up images of an alligator herd crawling down I-95 for their Winter in Florida.  You can't 'make up' questions like that.

    On vacation during a recent Halloween, we were concerned when our home security system detected motion near our front door.  When I activated the camera, I saw several large guys coming across our lawn, expressing several profane comments about the motion detector lights. When the leader rang the doorbell, I used the microphone on my device and made a blood curdling sound. More profanity.  One apparently late teen fellow lifted his mask and heard me say, "Smile, you are on candid camera." After a few more profanities and mutterings, they left and we said thanks for the security system.  Didn't see that one coming !

    Most graduation speeches prompt naps. Several years ago, a former faculty member kept our attention by relating humorous questions he had heard when  a part of our Faculty. One choice one: Taking a co-ed back to her home after babysitting, she asked in all seriousness, "Dr. Tucker, have you always been three years older than your wife?" Huh?

   Unexpected questions, comments and suggestions often garnish church conversations.  Replacing burned out light bulbs had become a frequent task. That prompted the 'suggestion' that we install new ones throughout the building at the same time. In that way, the 'suggest-er' maintained, they would all burn out simultaneously requiring only one change. The Maintenance Committee chose not to implement the idea.

   Weddings and funerals produce a constant source of 'head scratchers'.  I had seen many televised videos of brides and grooms passing out and other embarrassing moments.  None of that prepared me for the day when Keith turned ashen while saying his  vows. After rocking slightly on his heels, he fell backwards to the ground.  Though he regained consciousness immediately, he remained on the ground, unaware that his uncle was videoing the event for posterity.

    The late Art Linkletter's t.v. program. Kids Say the Darnedest Things, regularly demonstrated the accuracy of the title.  Walker was the first child that I ever baptized; then two years later, it was baby sister's  turn. In our tradition, infant baptism means applying water to the child's head. A few days after her baptism, I learned that big brother had inquired as to why "Ron had given Lisa a bath at church ".  After hearing the explanation of the event, he further contended that  "he didn't have to wash  her hair . Mom had already done that at home."

    One last 'true story': Kids playing 'army' proved dangerous when my 9 year old son scored a direct hit on his 7 year old brother's eye with a 'hand grenade' in the form of a magnolia pod.  This  occurred on a late Friday afternoon in the  town to which we had recently moved and knew no opthamologist. Finally, I located one in a nearby town and he examined the eye, applied medication and bandage. "Bring him back on Monday and we can determine if  the eye can be saved' made for a long weekend.  On Monday after he removed the bandage, the doctor asked Chris to read the  top line of the chart.  There followed long moments of the second grader shifting in the chair, squinting, and turning his head in various contortions. Asked a second time to read the letters, Chris in all seriousness said, "I can read it; I can't pronounce it."  And you can't make up that kind of answer.

   Satchel

THE Whistle and THE Whistler

 

       Neither of his three sons can replicate the sound. But we heard its distinctive lilt many times. Whistling, like singing, is something I do when no one else is within hearing distance. But his was not a 'tune'. Rather, he had a two note trill reserved primarily for summoning us from distances of at least a quarter of a mile.  At those times, the appropriate response was "Coming".

     I don't remember the first time that I heard it but it happened often in various occasions.  Many 'championship' basketball games occurred in the backyard of  Phil Tillerson's home.  A heavily wooded area separated his home and ours. Many of these late afternoon games terminated when from across the oaks and pines came the notes that told us that either the evening meal was ready or that our chores awaited.

   My PhD graduation occurred in cavernous Carmichael Auditorium at UNC-CH.  Dad and Mom found seats high in the 'nose bleed' area.  Each student received our diplomas individually, usually followed by hearty applause.  Above the noise, from far away, I heard "it" and knew it to be an expression of pride.

   When his middle son enrolled at UNC-CH, dad's weekly routine took him to the Metropolitan Insurance office in nearby Durham.  Consequently, my brother enjoyed the perk of weekly laundry service.  Once when dad came by, the roommate did not know his whereabouts, nor did anyone else.  So dad went out into the Quad and whistled.  Playing ping-pong in the dorm basement and with no foreknowledge of dad's presence, Dennis appeared below the transom and gave the usual response, "coming".

    The younger of my two brothers thinks that he may be able to imitate 'the whistle'.  But as  for  volume, he wrote. "No way." However, he likely is the last one to have heard it. 'It happened this way': he lived nearby to our parents but had not seen them for a few days prior to dad's death.  Now, my brother is "of sound mind" and not given to dramatics nor hyperbole.  As a minister, one Sunday morning he arrived early at the church.  Sitting in the silence and reflecting on recent events, he vowed that he heard the whistle. 

   Are you familiar with the terms 'thin places' and 'thin experiences' ? As much of a rational and cerebral person  I think myself to be, I believe that what my brother experienced was a 'thin experience' defined by one source as the "where the veil between this world and the eternal world is thin. . . where one can walk in two worlds ." (see Eric Weiner, "Where Heaven and Earth Come Closer Together",  The New York Times, March 9, 2012.)  Having had such fleeting experiences, I know these are not the domain of psychosis.  Nor do they belong just for the formally 'religious'.

   But this point is a digression.  "THE Whistle" is deeply ingrained in the memories of his three sons. Is there a  comparable sound stored away in your deepest self ?

     Satchel

     

     

    

"I didn't know that . . . "

         "  . . . holding your breath when around yellow jackets  will prevent your being stung "

     ". . . squirrels lick cement to compensate for a dietary deficiency "

    ". . . ultrasonic solar devices can sometime keep deer away from flowers "

    " . . . plant based vegan burgers taste as good as the 'real thing' "

   ". . . 'ignorance' is not necessarily the same as 'stupid' or 'aggressive ignorance' "

  ". . . "old dogs can learn new tricks."

   ". . . silence can sometimes be better than words "

   ". . . hearing is not the same as listening "

   ". . .  and what else ?

    

     Here is how  I learned (am learning) these bits of trivia and important insights:

    For several years we have found yellow jacket nests (holes) around our yard.  Efforts to remove them have been reasonably successful but we have not been certain we found their escape hole. Last week a friend lost a close encounter with one of those ill-tempered pests.  We called a pest exterminator who demonstrated that by holding our breath, no sting would occur. He further told us that he had learned that useful tidbit during his training and had never been stung.

 Our outdoor camera captured a squirrel licking    around downstair bricks. An internet search disclosed the info that doing so provided him needed minerals. There was a further suggestion to place a small salt lick near the area. Beats having the foundation eaten away.

   We have tried many deer repellents to protect daylillies and hosta and still lost most of this year's growth.  As one last effort, we have installed 8 ultrasonic devices near the foliage. Some emit an eerie noise; others project  sound waves beyond human hearing.  So far, results have proven successful. 

   Some day, my mischievous self  plans to serve plant-based vegan burgers to a 'nothing but beef' aficionado to test his taste buds. Mammalian meat is no longer an option for us. "Where's the beef?" has become an unnecessary inquiry when we savor these Beyond Burgers.

  Being 'ignorant' need not be a negative matter. After all, a dictionary defines the word like this:"lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about a particular thing".  As such, everyone is ignorant about various topics. Benjamin Franklin observed that  "we are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to stay stupid."  I first heard the distinction explained by Dr. Stewart Henry at Duke Divinty School. Paraphrased, he told us that brain power was not equally distributed so being 'ignorant' was nothing of shame. On the other hand, 'aggressive ignorance' marked a concerted effort to demonstrate one's lack of endowment.  Stupid is a word of scorn or condescension and I attempt to use it sparingly although there seems to be an increase of aggressive ignorance abroad in the land.

    Calling someone a 'dog' does not have a complimentary connotation.  But just remove the negativity and just let 'old dog' mean someone with a lot of birthdays or 'old' attitudes.  Likely you have encountered new situations that take you out of the well-known 'comfort zone'.  When a youth facing a new 'challenge', I would sometime complain to dad that I did not know how to do X.  His consistent counsel was "You're not going to learn any younger, son."  Dad never met a computer and the numerous challenges electronics spawn.  For me a major 'new trick' occurred with the  onset of Covid and therapy became 'online therapy'.  It was at that time that I remembered the saying that an old dog could learn a new trick if two circumstances were in  place: the    old  dog had half a brain and the old dog wanted to learn a new trick.  I decided that I qualified and have not had an in office session since March 18, 2020.

   Silence has been driven to the edges of life. It can be a challenge to escape the noise.  We introverts need it like we need oxygen. I find instruction in John McQiston's book, Always We Begin Again: The Benediction Way of Living : " Consider the value of  silence in  community. Our ability to listen should be our gift to those around us.  Too much talk is a sign of self-centeredness and insecurity.  If you hear yourself talking excessively, take care." (p. 36) With new clients I indicate that times of silence are meant as respect and not manipulation or 'head games'.  The most memorable instance occurred a few years ago . We had conversed  for a few minutes then she became silent and neither of us spoke for the next forty minutes.  When I indicated that our time had expired, she  enthusiastically responded, "This has been most helpful!"  So much for my verbal interventions!

    Today I had an appointment at my audiologist for hearing aid adjustment.  On a previous visit, I saw a distinction to the effect that hearing occurs when sounds are detected, and listening occurs when meaning is ascribed to  those sounds.  Close listening can facilitate that precious connection of empathy.

   By now, you may be wondering  something like what is the POINT of these meanderings. A seminary student (not I) asked his professor "How many points should a sermon have?" to be told, "At least one !"  The matters noted here may be termed either trivial or, at most, of  modest importance, but I believe the common theme has to do with keeping an inquisitive approach to new information, new understandings and a willingness to be influenced by those?

    What's new for you ?

          Satchel