"I don't think it's possible to have a wedding without it being stressful."
Debra Messing
"Falling in love was the easy part; planning a wedding -yikes !"
Niece Nash
Have you ever gone to a wedding (or a funeral) only to discover when it's too late to exit gracefully that you are at the wrong place at the wrong time?
I enjoy Sean Dietrich's daily blog, Sean of the South. A few days ago he wrote of attending a friend's wedding but soon realized that he was a week early. That story opened a trove of wedding stories from times when I have been the officiant, as well as an embarrassing experience at my own.
"This is not your first rodeo, is it ?" the Wedding Director observed after I had addressed my grand-daughter's wedding party. Among other details, I instructed them to walk slowly as if they were on the way to pay taxes and had insufficient funds. Unlike others that I had experienced, she was easy to work with. There have been others . . . like the woman whom I explicitly told about protocols in our sanctuary only to have her violate several. She came nowhere near me at the reception.
My first-ever ceremony came fifty years after the couple had made their first commitment. Nancy and Wilbur decided to renew their vows (well, actually, I think she decided and he realized he had no option). With their adult children, grand-children and congregational members watching, I said to him, "You may kiss your bride." With the proverbial deer in the headlights look, he managed "Huh !?" to which she said something like, "I will do it !" and put a big smooch on his amazed face.
Do you remember the television program that often ran clips of brides and grooms passing out?
Well, imagine my surprise at an outdoor service when I noticed Keith turning grey, then fall backwards. He recovered before hitting the ground in great laughter. Even so, several of his kinsmen who were EMT's insisted that he be checked out. While that was occurring, I noticed that his uncle, a professional photographer, was videoing while waving us away from the scene.
Then there was the time when I almost fell. Stan and Julie are professional musicians and he enjoys telling how I, standing one step above the wedding party, began rocking to and fro and he prevented my toppling onto them by pushing against my chest to stabilize me.
"Tying the knot" derives from a long ago practice of the minister's wrapping his/her stole around the couple's joined hands at the culmination of the vows.
One bride became so overcome that she began sobbing during the ceremony. I gave her my handkerchief and later learned that after cleaning it, she gave it a place of honor in her wedding book. A former student from my college history class asked that I perform her remarriage. She and Pete entered together. When he reached into his pocket for the ring, he panicked. . . couldn't find it. I whispered, "take mine" only to realize it would not come off. So I said, "Fake it". After the recessional, he found the elusive ring in the pocket after all.
After processing down the aisle with his daughter, one father took two steps back, looked the groom up and down, and gave a stern look which I thought conveyed something like, "You had better be kind to her." Perhaps he should have stared longer as they divorced a few years later.
Then there are the rings. "Do you know what to do in the event you drop it during the service ?" I ask nervous grooms. Expecting a complicated response, they are surprised to hear, "You pick it up."
In the name of full disclosure, I, who had officiated at many weddings, attempted to place the ring on my wife's right hand. As she strongly resisted, it dawned on me that her left hand was the correct one.
What do you tell guests when there is a long delay in beginning the proceedings? Sometimes, nothing. Many years ago, I was a groomsman in the home wedding of a college friend. Just before we were to begin seating guests in the parlor, the doors closed with only the minister and the couple inside. After what seemed HOURS, the doors opened and guests were ushered to their seats. Only later did we learn that they were earnestly considering whether to be married.
Sometimes, just say 'this is why we are waiting'. One Saturday afternoon, as the men were donning their tuxedoes, the groom's father discovered that part of his ensemble had been left at home, some 30-45 miles away. Ten minutes or so after his hasty departure, I informed the guests of the situation and they waited patiently for his return.
At my nephew's wedding, I was sitting with family on the second row from the front. Joseph was standing at the front with his dad who was officiating, waiting for the bridal entry. His hard of hearing maternal grand-father had long ago given him the nickname of 'Cracker Jack'. So, just before Amanda entered the church, Grand-dad's loud inquiry was heard all over the church "What 'cha gonna do now, Cracker Jack? "
And, those are just some of the ones that I can tell . . .
Satchel
