WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

   Within the past week, I have had three clients . . . one man in his mid-50's, another in his late 40's and a woman in her early 30's . . . ask variations of the same question : "Why don't I know what I am supposed to be doing with my life?".  Their question is a rephrasing of sorts of the title of this post and the impetus for my own reflecting on the  matter.  

    A caveat at the outset . . . many millions do not have the , what, luxury, even to ask the question.  Every day is a repetition of the preceding day ... off to the 'salt mines', trying to scratch out a living, keeping basic human needs met.  In the words of Ernie Ford's Sixteen Tons:  "Saint Peter don't  you call me , 'cause I can't go.  I owe my soul to the company store."  And there are also the unemployed.

    Yet, for many others (and not just the elite), there seems to be an assumption that the career path that I chose when in my twenties will continue to be the road to success (however defined, often monetarily) and fulfillment.  However, for starters, the era of 'work 40 years in the same job, retire and get a Gold watch' is over.  In a time of 'downsizings', terminations and economically-driven readjustments, many folks have to contend with externally imposed unemployment or under employment.

    Moreover, a kind of conventional cultural claim (at least in the United States) has been, 'go to college, get an education, and you are set for life'.  Let's just say the obvious and perhaps it  is somewhat akin to a book title that I remember: In this country, there is a kind of Sheepskin Psychosis which in the minds of many runs rather like, 'if you don't have a degree, you are automatically second-class.'   My own blue collar origins and later many years teaching in academe tell me that such a view is just plain wrong and even mean-spirited.  Moreover, a 'google' search produced the statistic that only 27% of college graduates work in areas that are related to their majors.  My strong belief is that while college  obviously can prepare and equip us for specific 'jobs' or 'professions', if it is only Hire Education, something vital is being missed.

     Along with externally imposed transitions, there are also those brought on by internal shifts.  Our counseling center helps train Interns and Residents who are, for a variety of reasons,  'second career'.  Sometimes the reasons reflect new interests, developing proficiencies, 'empty nest', an emerging sense of purpose or call, or other equally valid reasons. Some of these may represent so-called 'mid-life transitions'.  In 1963, as part of my seminary experience , I studied for a year at Duke Divinity School.  Like most of the other students, I was mid-20's.  Bob Bryan, as a 35 year old, was an anomaly.  Today, I suspect that many seminarians are 40 and older.  In the late '90's, I supervised two second career Duke Divinity Students in their 'field work' programs. An acquaintance has recently left a large parish to enroll in a hospital chaplaincy program.  Another 'successful' pastor, highly respected within his denomination is seriously considering whether he might be 'more at home' within a smaller parish with two 'tiny' churches.

    Among the possible 'meanings' or 'interpretations' of these developments, I would offer shifting definitions of the aforementioned Success and fulfillment.  While compensation remains important, other factors matter.  A book by Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak has been influential in shaping my understanding of 'vocation' which is not synonymous with 'job' or 'profession'.  Quoting from the jacket cover: "Vocation does not come from willfulness, no matter how noble one's intentions.  It comes from listening to and accepting 'true self' with its limits as well as its potentials."  Resisting the urge to write a review of the book, I just note that I re-read this 'jewel' every Christmas holiday and each time there is a new 'takeaway'.  And I like Frederick Buechner's aphorism to the effect that our vocation or calling lies at the point where our deepest gladness and the world's deepest needs intersect. 

   In her book, The Gift of Years, Joan Chittister wrote that when we teach children to be 'successful', we are actually teaching them to be  competitive, and "it is not so much the striving that is the problem as it is the sacrifice of all the other dimensions of life." (p.114)   She further asserted that success "has to do with having the basics, with learning to be happy, with getting in touch with our spiritual selves, with living a balanced life, doing no harm,          doing nothing but good." (p.116)

    Discerning how to live that out usually requires patience, some 'failures', 'false starts' and a willingness to take a risk, or, if you prefer, a leap of faith.  At least, I have found it to be so.  Over the years, I have been: Executive Secretary of a college Alumni Association, Army Private, Secondary School Teacher, College Professor, Entrepreneur, Parish Minister, and later, Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor.  During the 1990's, I worked both as parish minister and therapist.  Then, in 2001, at the age of 63, as I became full-time therapist, I decided what I was to be "when I grew up".  Some of those shifts were externally caused while others were responses to internal awarenesses.  Upon reflection, perhaps with the exceptions of my brief military stint and entrepreneur role, while the 'manifestations' of my vocation have shifted, a recurring theme has been 'teacher', not seeking to 'indoctrinate the students, but to encourage them to think, to find their own 'truth'.  Would I have liked more financial compensation?  Of course. But what might I have had to sacrifice ?  At an age when many have retired, I suppose that I am still honing my definitions and implications of 
"Success".  

    What do you want to be when you grow up?

        Satchel
    

     

'FACIAL FOLIAGE'

    All week I had been mentally composing a post about 'facial hair'.  Then yesterday, a bearded client wearing these socks came to my office for his psychotherapy session: (for HIPPA sensitive folks, he gave me permission to photograph these but not to tell you that his name is Sigmund Fraud.)

I took that as , well, not a 'sign', but at least a confirmation for proceeding with the 'musing' . . .  in general and of memories of some of my own 'crops of  foliage'.

    Wondering what had brought the topic to mind, I remembered an ministerial installation service last Sunday when there was quite an array of clerical  beards in attendance.  No big deal for the most part in 2014 but it has not always been so ... for ministers or other 'reputable gentlemen'.  When I searched various websites for 'facial hair', the array of 'meanings' surprised me.  (for additional  hair-raising aspects, simply enter 'facial hair' in your search engine.)

    Among 'signals' facial hair might send... mature, sexy, scruffy, 'red neck', aggressive, 'hippie', 'Radical'  . . . are suggestions.  Sounds rather subjective and, like other 'meanings', might be in the 'eye' of the beholder.  Then there was a reported study indicating that men with beards are perceived as 38% less generous, 36% less caring and 51% less cheerful than clean shaven men.  Another site claimed that wearing facial hair can also change one's own behavior and  'self image'.  

    There  was also speculation as to why so few contemporary politicians have either beards or mustaches. The first President to wear 'foliage' was  Lincoln . . . unless John Quincy Adams's luxuriant mutton-chops are included.  After Lincoln in 1861 through William Howard Taft who left office in  1912,  there was a succession of  'Smith Brothers' Presidents. (You know, 'Trade' and 'Mark' on Smith Brothers Cough Drops.)  Only Andrew Johnson who was impeached and William McKinley who was assassinated were clean-shaven. The last bearded Presidential  candidate was Charles Evans Hughes in 1916 . . . he lost.  So, why will no current politician take the 'risk' ?  Ah, perhaps there's a clue.  What would be  'at risk'?  Your answer counts.  Somewhere I also noted an opinion that negative reactions to beards can affect employability.  Perhaps there's the answer to the politicians' clean-cut appearances.

      Somewhere in all that musing, I thought of some of my own 'outcroppings', as well as those of various men in my family.    Both of my great-grand-fathers wore facial hair.  Mom said that her grand-father began letting his grow with the onset of cold weather and shaved in the Spring.   Here is a photograph of dad's grand-father (whom he never knew) with a cultivated  mustache:  (By the way, if you can translate the Hebrew on the frame, we would like to have that):

Both of my grand-fathers as well as dad were always clean-shaven.  Well, dad did grow a mustache for his church's anniversary 'old time' celebration.  I do not recall any uncles or uncles-in-law with beards or mustaches.  Both my brothers, one nephew, as well as the two boys/men whom I raised have or had beards.

    My own first remembered beard was 1964 when I was 26.  At the time, a fraternity brother was Director of a near-by Historical museum.  One day when we were clowning around, Bill photographed this would-be Lincoln look-alike:

For long-forgotten reasons, I shaved this one and did not have another until 1968 when I became a college professor.  Wearing a beard in that tumultuous year could feel hazardous.  I remember but perhaps three or four hirsute colleagues . . . Larry Whitlock in the Psych Department and a couple of the Art Professors.  Once when walking downtown, as two young guys passed me, one muttered, 'Hello, Castro !'.  Then, a student quizzed me: "Prof, what does your beard mean to you?"  I told him that it meant that I did not have to see my face in the bathroom mirror the first thing each morning.  Sometime during the Spring semester, I shaved, clean as the proverbial whistle.  I removed my glasses and jacket, took a seat in the classroom before students began arriving for the 8 a.m. Western Civ class.  No one noticed me  until about 5 after the hour, when I stood and said , "Well, guess we should have class."  There were several groans of relief signifying, I thought, 'glad I didn't say where is the old so and so ?

                               (The Professor and Daughter, around 1971)

     Since that time, I have occasionally grown beards then removed them as I became tired of them.   Once when visiting my then 2 year old grand-daughter and her family, I had decided that the time had come to remove the beard.  Not wanting her to see Papa go into the bathroom and someone else exit, I had her watch the process.  She thought it a hoot.  As the years passed, I  began noting more grey whiskers.  The jet black from earlier 'outcroppings' was becoming 'salt and pepper.'  One day as my daughter and I were running, she looked over and said, "Dad, if you would shave you would look ten years younger."  Ouch.  That, however, was one of the kinder comments that my whiskers sometime evoked, not only from strangers but friends and family alike.  (Sometime later when I did shave, a couple of days passed before she asked, "Dad, have you had a haircut?") The last time I had foliage was in the 1990's when again a parish minister.  Now, when there is the occasional multi-day stubble, I see that the salt has overtaken the pepper.  Surely some kind of vanity about age does not preclude another 'crop'.

                                (Same two people, 17 years later.  Already the salt is overtaking
                                 the face;  top hair came later.  No longer a professor but one of the 'bearded
                                  clergy'

             So, if I ever grow another beard, my preferred 'Meanings' can now be 'Mature' and 'Cheerful'.

     Satchel