NOSTALGIA or . . .

         Nostalgia has its  origin in a word that means a 'homesickness of the soul'.  At least that is what Professor Mowry
(known by some of his graduate students as 'Uncle George' . . .but never acknowledged to him) told our History Seminar.  For some people it manifests in a desire for 'the good old days'.  It seems to be more in the wind at times when lots of changes are occurring. . . . whether in the external world or the world within.

        Remembering our origins, our 'roots', important people and events can be enriching and stabilizing. [Earlier post "Whose Shoulders do you Stand On?"]  To me, that is not the same matter as 'living in the past'.  Actually, there was much about 'the good old days' that was not so good: Polio was rampant until the mid-1950's; typhoid has not been removed as a public health hazard for until recent times; life expectancy has increased greatly,  etc.

     All this came to mind today when we attended worship service at the United Methodist Church in the little, once-upon-a-time mill village near our home.  My first memories are of living here in the early 1940's.  Many of  my relatives lived out their years in that place and a few still live there. The mill is a distant memory, having closed many years ago; the company houses on the 'mill hill' have long been privatized. We lived in the one that directly faced the mill.

    Prior to going into the church, my wife asked who we might see that I knew.  I answered that it might be many or it might be none.  Actually, within the small congregation (after all, it was 5th Sunday, a virtual holiday from church for many) I recognized several or was recognized by others : A first cousin was there along with his daughter and grand-daughter; a woman called me by name and I was embarrassed not to know her. She said she had known me when I was a boy !  Well, I put my computer memory on 'scan' and within a few minutes I remembered her name and  several of her family.  One of her family there was a man who had been 'Mascot' of my high school Senior class in 1956.  A firm clasp on my arm told me that Charles Ray, the sole surviving member of the town's baseball team, recognized me. Our fathers had been good friends. We had a delightful few minutes reminiscing.

     Perhaps that is something that we in our older years do.  On one level, it is understandable.  As Charles Ray observed, "there are more gone [from the 1940's-1960's] than are still here."  Yet, there was nothing in that comment that  seemed to me to be morose. As much as any single sentiment, I detected a sense of gratitude for having been part of that relationship landscape.

     I was reminded of something  Joan Chittister wrote in The Gift of Years :  "When a lifetime of old relationships disappear or new conditions engulf us . . . the major task of life . . . may simply be not to fear the fear."

     Satchel

DON'T USE THE 'KIDS'

     Have you seen the scathing obituary that has gone viral?
A woman (apparently not 'mother' , though she brought children into the world) recently died and some of the adult children said, in effect, 'Good Riddance'.  It seems that she abused them and used them for her own distorted, evil, pathological purposes until finally, several years ago,  they persuaded Nevada lawmakers to give them the right to 'divorce' her.  Since then, theirs was an estranged relationship.  (Google obituary for Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick)

     The graphic details of her abuse certainly mark her as 'extreme' and 'evil'.  But in seemingly innocuously implicit and explicit ways,  many parents communicate to their adult children "It is your responsibility to see to my emotional and physical well-being - - -regardless of what that 'duty' may do to you."  

     My clients sometimes seem surprised, no, shocked, when I maintain that children are not in this world to take care of their parents' emotional needs. . . even beginning early on.  Rabbi Ed Friedman, widely recognized as having been an insightful family systems therapist, insisted that Maturity (not necessarily tied to chronology)  is "the willingness to take responsibility for one's own emotional being and destiny." (A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix).  Often, those whom society calls 'the parents' (caregivers) turn the tables and give the message: "I am your responsibility.  See that I am never displeased with you."  That does not mean that children . . . of all ages . . . may not act in outrageous, intolerable ways.  Setting limits can be a function of maturity.  Empathy can be a good thing; but valuing empathy over personal responsibility can result in unhealthy relationships.

    If anyone owes anyone, it is the parents who owe their offspring life's needs --physical, emotional, spiritual safety and nurturance --hopefully given in love.  No child ever asked to be born.  If I were nominating misunderstood words today, high on my list would be authority, particularly parental authority with children.  One of my mantras was  (is) "Parenthood is not a popularity contest."  Authority is not synonymous with authoritarian --- though they may sometimes appear  to be the same, especially to the child.  The care relationship is a one-way street until such time as the child reaches maturity. Then, ideally, the relationship can be a mutually respectful one, not a dutiful one. Within the parameters of mutuality, there can be great diversity of opinions coupled with the willingness to act with maturity.  (see above, 'responsibility')

    In my office, I hear many stories of 'guilt trips' laid on by parents who would use their children to 'take care' of them. I cringe when I hear parents spell out the what they want from their children, coupling that with 'after all I have done for them'.  (An excellent exposition of this idea can be found in Dr. Charles Well's, Dear Old Man: Letters to Myself on Growing Old, pages 41-44)

     I once asked a client (in her 50's) if she would tolerate treatment from another adult such as she was receiving from her mother.  She gave me an incredulous look and said a firm "No".
Then why, I asked, is it tolerated from her.  "Well, she's my mother" was her answer.  "What does that mean?  How does that give her  permission to be disrespectful and demanding towards you?" was my next question.  "Well, you know, it's in the Bible to honor our parents."  Since she couched it in religious terms, I replied, "And there is a  passage that says something to the effect, 'Parents, do not provoke your children to anger.'"  With what I took as amazement, she asked, "Is that in the Bible."  "Yes. Something like that; although I may not be giving a precise quotation. Sometimes parents do things that are not particularly honorable."

   Relationships between parents and their adult children can be among the most satisfying in life . . . but  only if they are based on mutual respect and taking responsibility for one's self.

    Dr. Wells in Dear Old Man addressing  himself on this subject wrote:  "You must not expect your sons and daughter to do anything for you in your old age in repayment for what you did for them in childhood  You will doubtless need and want their help, but you can accept this help only if it springs from their love for you and their desire to live up to certain standards they set for themselves as sons and daughter.  I hope you will be able to reject any help offered as a repayment for having bred and nurtured them."  (page 44)  I like that.

    Satchel